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Area Man Makes Cuato Joke About Newborn Son, Wife Unamused
Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist: Area resident Gregorio Wormwicker immediately regretted the wisecrack he made referencing the similarities between the Total Recall character Cuato and his...
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Socks the Cat Accidently Buried in “the Pet Cemetary.”
Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development. “They’re...
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Pete Rose Puts Fiver on His MLB Reinstatement
Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express: Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening. “Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random...
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Colts Offensive Line to Peyton Manning: “Shut Up and Hike the Ball”
Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune: The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning’s shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage. Ryan Diem, offensive...
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Microsoft Releases Windows 7 With New and Improved Blue Screen of Death
Excerpted from the Seattle Galosh Inquisitor: Freelance tech reporter Marco Wormwicker could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing a new and improved “blue screen of death” twice...
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Area Man Didn’t Really Lose Virginity at Canadian Summer Camp
Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr: Area resident Montgomery Wormwicker II came clean to his old high school buddies last week. “I finally came clean about my claim of losing my virginity at a Canadian...
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Bear Patrol Latest Casualty of CA Budget Cuts
Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer: California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis. “It’s...
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Librarian at George W. Bush Presidential Library Thought She’d Have Met Bush...
Excerpted from the Dallas Wildcatter: George W. Bush Presidential Library librarian Mona Wormwicker expressed surprise that she hadn’t met the former president yet. “It’s not a huge deal, I guess, but...
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Fans Call for Sacking of Washington Generals GM
Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation...
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Drive-through Lady Can Tell When It’s James Earl Jones Ordering
Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum: Donna Duggerskull, drive-through window employee at a Wendy’s in Brooklyn, says she can always tell when it’s James Earl Jones ordering. “Without a doubt. His...
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